How Do You Handle the Empty Space That Is Left Once the “Treatment” Is Over

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Question: How do you handle the empty space that is left once the “ treatment” is over and people stop checking in or have you experienced that? Like it drags on too long to be relevant to others but always relevant for me. Am I being dramatic? How do I let go and move on from the need? 💜

Dear In the Empty Space,

First, thank you for such an heartfelt question. I think it’s safe to say that I know a thing or two about being in this space and, in full transparency, I feel like I’m in it right now too. I have been for a LONG time.

This is a club that nobody wants to find themselves in yet so many of us do and I’m not sure it's just limited to those of us who are done with treatment. I think this club is so much bigger than just in the cancer world. It’s a club that anyone who has experienced anything life shatter enters.

My empty space is multifold and something that I’m always navigating and trying to understand. How much of this feeling is projection and how much of it is warranted? Is it all warranted? Am I just being really sensitive? These are questions I ask myself on a regular basis. I think we could all benefit from asking ourselves bigger questions matter how we entered this empty space.

And to be clear, no, I don’t think you are being dramatic. Your feelings are very valid. I think, however, where those of us in this space can sometimes be lead astray is managing our expectations of others. Trust me, I know this VERY well.

I often find myself very disappointed by those in my life and wonder how it seems they have all just moved on so fast and I’m still stuck in it. I’m stuck in the sticky place of processing what I had spent so long just trying to survive. Yes, there are those in my life that could do better showing up for me. That is true. And, there is my own unmanaged expectations that are 100% my responsibility that I just don’t like being honest with myself about.

Something that I always try to remind myself of is everyone has their own stuff. Yes, those things may not be as dire as cancer but to those experiencing them, they are big in their own way. Maybe not facing your own mortality big but big none-the-less.

I also think in today's world we are met with a whole other slew of complications. We are over scheduled for one. We glorify business in a way that is, in my opinion, just gross and entirely unhealthyy.

We also have a great discomfort with other peoples perceived “negative” emotions. The country I live in, the United States, does not do well with those of us who grieve openly and outwardly. We do not do well when people are unhappy past an imaginary ‘reasonable’ period of time. Those of us that struggle past that point are quickly labeled as dramatic and attention seeking instead of, as well, human.

And then, what I perceive is one of the greatest downfalls of humanity, is the need to turn everything negative into some kind of massive hero’s journey. I am a sucker for this myself and have been known to spin a tale into a powerful “journey.”

A lot of the times this happens on social media and all we see is where they are now and not necessarily WHAT it took and how LONG it took to get there. We only see the before and after and rarely all the grit and blood and tears it took to get there.

So, all of this to say, I’m not exactly sure what the answer is for YOU but I can tell you what I’ve been doing to try and get to a place of some kind of peace with feeling forgotten.

For one, I write. A lot now. Some of it I share, others I keep secretly for myself and very well may never let another pair of eyes see it.

I’ve been trying to dive into things I’ve alway wanted to do like doing an Intro to Tap class which I am LOVING. Tapping back into all those unmet dreams is giving me a sense of freedom from the pain and worry I often feel consumed by.

I’m starting a support group next week (well in two weeks because I can’t attend the first week) that is an Ovarian Cancer specific one. I’m a delayed processor so although I’ve been finished with treatment for six months, I’m just now really exploring the depths of everything I went through.

Some people fully emerse themselves in a community of similar experiences, other survivors, and they live and breathe that. I need a balance. I can’t be all in the cancer world but I know I will never be free from it either.

And then on days I feel really forgotten I try and get to the root of what's going on. Not always. Sometimes I just need to be pissed off at people in my life for forgetting about me. I have found when I don’t try and bypass it and just sit in it, it passes a lot faster. And no, it’s not easy to do and I’m not good at it.

And last, I go spend time with my nieces and nephews. There worlds, at least the really young ones, are so simple. I get lost in exploring who they are and what they are interested in and we sing and dance and just be silly. We go on “kitty walks” which are literally just what they sound like. We walk through the neighborhoods looking for kitties and scream and jump up and down with excitement and joy when we find one. We play and the very best yet, we snuggle and all of that really neutralizes the feelings for some reason.

I think the most important thing is figuring out what is best for you. What would make you feel supported and cared for? I know that isn’t what anybody really wants to hear. We want the answer. We want a roadmap of each exact step but I don’t think I can give that to you.

As we all know, that’s just not how life works.

But I do hope this helped though.

xo,

Amanda

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